March 2012
0 posts
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Why was everyone relieved to see Sheriff Harry S. Truman after he got back from giving Agent Cooper a helicopter ride?
They had heard that he had “flown the Coop.”
February 2012
16 posts
2 tags
Where do Pharaohs go when they throw their backs out?
To see their Cairo-practor.
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Did you hear about the spoiled kid in Subway?
He was trying to halve his sub and eat it too!
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This one’s for all the Catholics out there…
Did you hear about the Catholic sex workers?
They were going to “give it up” for Lent!
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ABC Family is working with James Stewart and Louis Anderson on a new Animated Series in which James shows young Louis a world in which he doesn’t exist.
They are calling it, “It’s a Wonderful Life with Louis or: Life Without Louis.”
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When the Wright brothers first presented their airplane it was met with a lot of resistance.
Fed up, Orville finally replied, “If flying is so wrong, then I don’t want to be Wright.”
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What did the Undertaker do when he accidentally cremated his paycheck?
He urned it.
I’m currently working on a movie about Petey Pablo exchanging bodies with his mother, in which they don’t change back until they both learn a valuable lesson.
Freek-a-Leeky Friday is set to premiere just in time for Christmas!
2 tags
Where do scuba enthusiasts go for fast food?
Dive-Thru Restaurants
bsk239:
thatsnotpunny:
What did Hamlet say when he couldn’t decide whether or not to go to the bathroom before the big road trip?
Hmmm… To pee or not to pee…
Whether ‘tis nobler in the trip to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous amounts of holding one’s legs together uncomfortably or take arms against a sea of urine, and by evacuating, drain it.
3 tags
Two men walk into a bar. The third one ducks.
Two chickens walk into a bar. The third one clucks.
Two horses walk into a bar. The third one bucks.
Two vacuums walk into a bar. The third one sucks.
Two tweezers walk into a bar. The third one plucks.
Two Æons walk into a bar. The third one Flux.
Two ducks walk into a bar. The third one mans.
What did Hamlet say when he couldn’t decide whether or not to go to the bathroom before the big road trip?
Hmmm… To pee or not to pee…
1 tag
What did Hamlet say to himself when he couldn’t remember his friend’s apartment number?
Hmmm… 2B or not 2B…
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I was going to go to a sculpture unveiling
but I was afraid it would be a bust.
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What was the punk rocker with a soft spot’s favorite Meg Ryan movie?
Sleeveless in Seattle
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Why do they use corks to seal wine bottles?
Because, by the time you finally get them out, you can really use a glass of wine!
January 2012
23 posts
The other day I was waiting for the bus. It was running extremely late and I began to wonder where it could be.
Then it hit me.
Why were the people worried about the fashion designer?
They had noticed that a lot of his jeans seemed distressed lately.
What movie did the lady who loved chips go to see?
Paranormal Snack-tivity
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I’m working on a movie where a snare drum and it’s player travel to Aspin to return a lost suitcase and get into hilarious mishaps along the way.
I’m calling it, “Drum and Drummer.”
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I may not have seen pants walk, but I’ve sure seen a button fly!
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I’m currently working on a sequel to a popular 2007 film starring Daniel Day-Lewis and Paul Dano, but I can’t tell you exactly which one.
All I can tell you is that I’m calling it, “There Is Blood.”
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What did the river do when it saw a stranger?
It ran.
What did the ocean do when it saw a stranger?
Stood there and waved.
Why did the Dermatologist laugh at the Golden Globes joke?
Because it was topical.
What type of shampoo do snowmen use?
Head and Shoulders™, because they’ve got a lot of flakes.
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What soap does John Travolta use when he is getting ready for a big night out on the town?
He uses his Saturday Night Lever
Chester, as a hobby, had started making small figurines out of his old compact discs.
One day, his mother approached him because she was worried about him hanging around with CD characters.
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What did the apprentice, who was also Austin Powers, say when the electrician asked if he was ready to learn how to install electrical outlets?
Socket to me, baby.
Recently, politicians have asked hip hop artists to “clean up their acts.”
Many rappers are ignoring the request, but will Smith?
My friend, Roger, recently asked me if I listen to any female pop singers.
I replied, X-Tina Aguilera is alright, but I like Mandy more!
What instructions did the President give the world-renowned classical composer by day, secret agent by night for dealing with the terrorists?
“I want you to take them out, Bach, and shoot them.”
3 tags
What do you call it when a soul singer, who is hesitant about picking his nose, thinks that there might be a rabbit in the area?
a Booger-Shy Bunny Hunch
Why do they say ‘an apple a day keeps the doctor away?’
Because ‘primary care physician’ has too many syllables.
I knew this old miser whose one joy in life was jumping on this old trampoline until one day it finally broke.
He refused to spring for a new one.
Enough is enough, thought Tommy. He had made up his mind and was going to steal that rock cd from Best Buy that he had been wanting for so long.
He was finally going to take a Staind.
ABC has just announced a new reality series about a chef who, over the course of the series will try out spatulas until he has narrowed it down to the one he wants to cook with for the rest of his life.
The Spatulor will air Mondays at 9:00.
My cable provider told me today that starting January 1st, all of my channels are going to be broadcast exclusively in HD.
Turns out it’s their New Year’s Resolution.
Porky Pig was being questioned about using filler meat in his line of food products made “entirely from humans.” Flustered about the wild allegations, he simply responded, “A-di-a-ba-di, that’s all folks!”
In the Sandwich Justice System the people are represented by two separate, yet equally important groups. The side dishes that accompany the sandwiches and the District Attorneys who prosecute the meals. These are their lunches.
Slaw and Order
Fox just announced a new medieval themed reality series.
“So You Think You Can Lance?” is set to premiere this fall.
An elf was helping Santa make some chili and asked, “So what’s the next ingredient? Cumen?” Santa replied, “Tis the season.” The elf hit him in the head with a can of pinto beans.
They have been having some serious winter weather in Southeastern Europe recently.
It’s been a real Grecian’s Sleeting.
December 2011
41 posts
You can loot an electronics store, but you can’t lutefisk.
What was the construction worker’s favorite Orson Welles film?
Citizen Crane
hasshegotyousnowed-deactivated2 asked: is matt ok??
A man walked into a mortuary and said, “My wife has died and I need an undertaker.”
The mortuary worker replied, “Undertaker, I barely know her!”
Just before he passed, Matt requested that he be buried at Old Navy™.
So that he could Rest In Fleece.
Attention
It is with a heavy heart that I regret to inform you of the death of Matthew Francis Grundy, previous author of this blog. Matt passed away after he was struck in the face by a bolt of lightning while being eaten by a lion that also happened to be made of lightning. In his final moments he put me in charge of this blog. I know that I have big shoes to fill but I plan to try my hardest to take...
1 tag
What did one cheek say to the other cheek?
Between you and me, something smells! (Butt which cheeks?)